Oh! Really?

I went to the post office yesterday, and there’s a big lineup (surprise!). I’m standing in the line, trying to concentrate and read my book, but there is this woman in front who steals all my attention. She is mailing 3 parcels; none of them have boxes. She asks the clerk for boxes, and the clerk gives her 3. The boxes are expanded, so they need assembling (and writing down the addresses and taping and so on.). The clerk asks her to do these on the side-table so the other people in the line can be taken care of. But she says that she is comfortable right where she is, and starts (right there) assembling the box, taking out her memo-book, looking down the addresses, writing down the addresses, and double checking the items in the box - one of items was a photo album and I swear she started looking at the photos inside it but for some reason she closed the album after looking at the first page. At this point I can feel her tap-dancing with high-heels on my nerves. My hair is rising, my brain is boiling.

Then she starts asking for the prices:

She: How much for this one?
Clerk: $78
She: Oh! Really?
Clerk: (Pause, Checks the computer) Yes, really, $78 by air.
S: How much by ground?
C: $45
S: Oh! Really?
C: (Pause) You should also fill out and stick these stickers on the boxes.
S: OK. But on all the boxes?
C: Yes.
S: Oh! really?
Me mumbling to her: No, she has so much free time that she wants to joke with you a bit. Oh!really?crazyidiotwoman!

Eventually, though, my imagination defeats my anger. I imagine her in bed with her partner:

S: Ooh!
Partner: Aaah!
S: Ooh!
Partner: Aaah! I’m having an orgasm.
S: Oh! Really?
P: ?!?!?! (Looks at the lower organs) Well I was pretty sure until you asked!

I get back to the real world. It’s my turn in the line, FINALLY. I give the parcel to the clerk.

C: To?
Lulu: Iran.
C: Air or ground?
Lulu: Air please.
C: comes to $210.
Lulu: OH, REALLY?

Fear

It’s 3 in the morning. Everyone is sleeping. All the lights are out except the one beside my computer desk. I turn off the light. Turn off the computer. I figure before the monitor’s light is completely out, I’ll make it to the bed. But for some reason Windows shuts down right away. It’s pitch black. I feel someone is standing 2 meters ahead of me on the right side. I don’t look. I go to bed. I pull the blanket on my face. I can hear sounds from everywhere. My closet, my desk. ‘It’s just the change in temperature, it makes things sound’ I tell myself. I can’t sleep. You stupid fool, just get out of the blanket, what can be out there? It’s dark. Nothing is there. But I don’t look behind me. It might be standing there. I know what it is. A human, with a long robe, face is disfigured, it will hurt me. You watch too many movies. I quickly reach for my reading light, beside my bed. OK, I’m safe now. I stand up. Turn on the computer. Open MS Word, and start writing this blog entry. My computer hangs. I restart. Start over writing. It hangs again. Try one more time. I restart , I see a moving shadow on the black screen of my computer. All I can do now is to

Dear Offended Friends ,

I just realized that a lot of my friends have been offended by what I’ve said in this blog. As a result I have to point out a few things:

- All my stories are fictional. I get inspired from small things that have happened to me. But that's as far as it goes. The rest is just the work of my imagination.

- I’ve criticized other people’s kissing, honesty, and so on. If you think I’ve talked about YOU per se listen to this: I had no special person in my mind; but if you doubt your own behavior that’s not my problem.

Moreover, I never said that I’m a saint. I’m more than open to criticize myself, or you criticize me (as I’ve never deleted any of your comments unless it was very dirty). The problem, though, with criticizing myself directly is that the entry would be very boring (in my opinion). I don’t like nagging about my behavioral issues (which are too many) and I’m sure people won’t enjoy reading about them. But if it makes you happy let me once and for all tell you everything, so we can have peace:

I’m no saint- as I’ve said. I’ve lied, gossiped, cheated on my only love, kissed disgustingly, knocked down someone’s sand bucket (I was 7), stole someone’s quiz prize (I was 7 still), cheated on my exam (continuously), escaped from the police in my home country, slapped my best friend in the face once, fought with my mom over nada, cried like a baby in physics class (in university), drank, smoked, made bad judgment about people, accused people for wrong things, got to work late, had a 30 minute break instead of 15, bit someone in the arm until she bled, threw mosquito in my friends shirt, studied nursing in university while my whole family is ashamed of it, dated the wrong guys, pushed a kid when we were playing and her shoulder was dislocated, made mock phone calls to someone’s home with my friends and we got busted, gambled, farted on the bus, shouted at my little cousin for not listening to me, … help me guys, I’m out…

Does this make you happy? Is this fair now?

XOXO

Kissing is a very delicate and sensitive matter, especially if you’re kissing someone for the first time. You’re in this semi-dark room, lit with candles. Someone you like is sitting on a couch in front of you. Nobody else is home. You have to kiss that person. You slowly approach each other, feel weird in your tummy, breathe fast, close your eyes, smell and feel each others breath, lips touches lips; and all of a sudden there’s this tongue shoved into your mouth, going back and forth, rotating, discharging copious amount of saliva right into you mouth.

Did you get my point? No? OK, dear friends, do not penetrate your tongue in someone’s mouth when you’ve just started kissing each other. It’s exactly like going in bed with someone and without any introduction start the baby-making activity.

Moreover, don’t make noises. Some people make these *Malach-Moolooch* noises while kissing, and it makes one wonder if the person is kissing or eating me alive.

Finally -this is just for males- if you get too excited and you decide to take the girl to the bed and kiss her, don’t throw her on the bed and lie down on top of her. Just imagine this: 45kg girl is thrown on bed, a 85 kg guy lies on top of her, and while she opens her mouth to gasp for air, a tongue is stuffed in her throat … not the most romantic experience. Be gentle but don’t be feminine. A sudden strong manly kiss is really nice, but just don’t rip us apart or suffocate us.

Story of Power

-Most of the VPs, CEOs, and big-business owners are men, not women; why?

Some say it’s due to males’ advantages in society, some say it’s due to females’ lack of capability.

-When you go to shopping centers, most of the space is allocated to women’s clothing and make up- hundreds of different products just for females to paint their faces, to enhance their looks; why?

I, personally, used to think that it’s the stupidity of women to spend so much of their time on the looks while they can do so many more productive activities instead (like I have a PhD in nuclear physics by not wearing too much makeup).

But when I think of it now, men and women are doing the exact same thing: They’re striving for power. I know a lot of you won’t like what I’m going to say; but the truth is while for men “money” induces ultimate power, for women “beauty” is what it takes to own all the power.

I don’t really need to expand on men-and-money part. You probably agree that extreme wealth gives men extreme power. Rich men can have the woman they want, can choose the lifestyle they desire, can make the influence they want on others, and so on.

For the female-and-beauty part, listen to this. Imagine a very rich-ugly young girl vs. a very beautiful-poor one: which one has more power? The beautiful one would have way more than the other one: She will make good money eventually because she would get the job she wants because of her looks. She will get more attention. She will be able to have the boyfriend she wants. She would be able to influence people around her.

For the rich-ugly one, she can buy attention by driving a Ferrari, but that’s that. She’ll be living in the rich people’s world and being ugly in the rich people’s world just doesn’t help. She probably won’t have much influence on others, and won’t be able to get her favorite guy.

When there is a trend in the society, there is a reason behind it; and hence the answer to my questions in the beginning is: these are the most effective ways for men and women to get what they want; to acquire power. It's not because one gender is stupid and the other is overachieving; not because one is advantaged and the other is deprived.

And I think that some activists who are killing themselves to prove that women are disadvantaged in workplace are sometimes pushing things a bit too much. I mean come on, just accept the fact that there are less number of females than males who really try to become bosses.

P.S. There are always exceptions

P.S. Please leave the being-healthy-is-more-important-than-being-powerful-or-rich discussion for later

P.S. I KNOW women are getting paid less than men. I KNOW there are many inequalities against women. But also there are some reasons behind some statistics that shouldn’t be overlooked.

Happy Birthday Shili

I met a guy a week ago and I’ve been hanging out with him for the past few days. His plain characteristic and his honesty made me sad and happy at the same time.

He made me sad because he made me realize how much I miss hanging out with my old friends. I miss my girlfriends who don’t smoke; who dress nice and go to cafés, who I laughed with from the bottom of my heart, who don’t talk about Godard and Cage, who don’t curse and swear, who still remember what respect means, and who -still- have curfew (!).

On the other hand he made me happy. He made me realize that there are still honest guys out there who don’t hide the fact that they have a girlfriend when she’s away. Who don’t take advantage of their girlfriend being away. Who don’t smoke and drink. Who treat girls the way they’d like to be treated. Trust me, these traits have become very rare in guys, but there still exist men who possess these characteristics. (lucky girlfriend).